


Release the Panic

by e_trite



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, Angst, Blood and Violence, F/M, Romance, Thriller
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:48:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23793376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/e_trite/pseuds/e_trite
Summary: Buddhist monk Thích Nhất Hạnh once said, "We really have to understand the person we want to love. If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love. If we only think of ourselves, if we know only our own needs and ignore the needs of the other person, we cannot love." One wonders if this quote still applies when the two people in love are murderers.
Relationships: Dick Grayson/Raven, Robrae
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story of fiction. It is not based on actual true events. The appearance of true people or events is purely accidental and unintentional.

**“ The art of love is largely the art of persistence. ”**

\-- Albert Ellis

* * *

Raven sat in her desk chair with one leg closely tucked into her chest while the light on her laptop dimmed from disuse. She scrolled up and down her document with the mouse, as if that would somehow make a conclusion paragraph suddenly appear. She was only seconds away from pulling at her roots. 

“Your knight in shining armor is here!”

She finally closed her laptop once she saw Dick walking in with two large plastic cups. The mere sight of her smoothie almost made her jump on him. “Did you remember my toppings?”

“Here is your earl grey milk tea with boba and coconut jelly, and no sugar,” Dick said, “And one avocado smoothie for myself.” He laughed when he saw Raven devour her drink. “I take it you're still working on your paper.”

“Yep,” she buried her face in her sweater, “It's taking forever. But, once I submit this paper, I can focus on my article with Dr. Goodwin.”

“You’ll finish. You always do. And, as a treat,” he pulled a brown paper bag from behind his back, “I got you those Hong-Kong-style egg waffles you like, which I will give you once you finish your paper.” He held it above his head when she tried to reach for it, “I said you could have it _after_.” 

“Oh, c’mon Dick.” She was standing on her toes and still reaching. The fact that she was half a foot taller was usually cute. Actually, with the way she was trying to grab the bag, she was still pretty cute. “I deserve it since I worked for seven minutes straight!”

He looked up and pretended to consider, “Maybe if you give me something, I can be persuaded,” he lightly tapped his cheek.

Raven rolled her eyes and leaned up to kiss him. In a very smooth– and a little cliché– move, he turned his head so she could kiss his lips instead. Dick put his free hand in her hair and lightly held her head. She stopped reaching and wrapped her arms around his waist, hugging him.

He pulled away with a smile and lowered his arm a little, “Tempting, but no. You may have it after—hey!”

With the bag snatched, Raven jogged around the table once Dick started chasing her. She made a beeline for the living room, but Dick caught her once he jumped over the furniture.

“Okay, okay! I yield,” she yelped when they both landed on the couch. “But if I wait to finish my paper, the waffle will get all squishy.”

“Would you at least be willing to share some?”

She rolled out of his embrace, “You may have one piece,” and sat up on the couch.

“One, really? Fine,” he crossed his arms, “Just be careful. I think the pieces are kind of hot.”

Raven pulled the waffle from the bag, but it wasn’t a full waffle.

It was just a small bubble with a ring with a silver band sticking out. A marquise diamond had two alexandrite stones on each side. 

“Is this what I think it is?”

Dick knelt on both knees in front of Raven and took the bag so she could hold his hand. “It is, without a doubt, the most expensive waffle I ever bought. But you are completely worth it.

“I’m trying to hold back the mushy stuff because I know it makes us both uncomfortable. So, I’m just going to say that I would like to be your partner in life. I am so in love with you, Raven Roth. If that isn’t enough, you should remember that I’m the ward to one of the richest men in America. I have access to a lot of money and marrying me would also give you access. So, what do you say?”

With a smile, Raven kissed his forehead and his lips. She finally said, “Do you happen to have the rest of that waffle?”

Dick laughed and put the ring on her finger. He hugged her close and repeatedly kissed as much of her face as she could. “I love you, Raven. I am going to do everything I can to make you so happy.”

“I love you too, Dick. Now, let’s eat the rest of that waffle!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my 3rd time rebooting this story. I will finish this damn story if it is the last thing I do!


	2. Ruminate

**“ That's all the freedom we can hope for - the freedom to choose our prison. ”**

\-- L.M. Montgomery

* * *

Raven’s eyes remained on the patch of red roses. Passing pedestrians would struggle to tell the flowers were fresh, compared to the surrounding garden. It would take a microscopic vision to notice the differences in the soil.

“I brought you some clothes.”

She placed the shovel by her feet when she Dick walking towards her. The mere sight of his hair under a blue hat (she was pretty sure he didn’t even own a baseball cap before tonight) almost made her collapse. “Did you remember to park the car down the street?”

“It’s actually at the parking lot of some abandoned sugar factory,” he said, “It’s a little bit of a walk, but I figured it was safer to be as far from civilians as possible.” He handed her a black plastic bag.

Raven pulled out a white tank-top, denim capris, a green track jacket, clean underwear, and a pair of sneakers. She didn’t recognize any of the garments as her own but changed anyway. It would feel good to finally free her skin of the blood-soaked dress. She mentally reminded herself to worry about getting away from the crime scene before worrying about finding a place to shower.

She looked normal in her new attire. Even though the whole point of the ensemble was to make her appear that way, the fact that she wasn’t clad in her normal blacks and grays was somewhat unnerving.

She would blend in with the populace but always stick out in his eyes.

Raven probably felt the same way about his new clothes. His normal attire of two-button suits was replaced with sweatpants, running shoes, and a “Bad Puns Are How Eye Roll” t-shirt.

“This is only temporary,” she said when she saw the way Dick was fingering the cheap polyester of his shirt. “As soon as we get back into Jump City, you can go back to your fancy Italian shoes.”

He started to laugh before he remembered why they were wearing cheap clothing to begin with. “Are you sure this will work?”

“Unfortunately, I’ve done this _enough_ times to know how to avoid getting caught.” Once again, her twisted childhood was becoming an instrument to avoid the taint of a criminal lifestyle. She didn’t know whether she should be appalled or grateful. “It’ll be just like last time.”

Ironically, the people they were dealing with now were probably the same as the one that appeared tonight. How those idiots drastically underestimated them both.

It was almost a little scary just how powerful they both could be.

“Is this going to be our new normal?”

“You make it sound like we’re beacons for violence and blood.”

Dick took a moment before resting his forehead on hers. “I never asked for this. I know you didn’t either,” he whispered as he hugged her.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about right now.”

“I’m thinking about what will happen if we get caught,” he replied, “About people who committed petty crimes have had equally harsh sentences. About how I’m lucky enough to have lawyers worth a damn.

“I’m not saying I wouldn’t get locked up or that I don’t deserve to be. I mean, I’ve done some pretty horrific things. I just know I'd be someone who could use the system in my favor. You would think knowing all that would give me comfort. How is it that I can do all of _this_ and still feel guilty?”

Raven pulled away from his embrace, “Dick, I know you’re waiting for me to remind you that you’re a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ person. But, that’s just it. I don’t believe that people are either/or. I _can’t_ believe that. We all do both good and bad things. In our case, we’ve been doing _a lot_ of bad things. But I learn to accept that my actions aren’t good and that I’m just…human.

Dick was going to instinctively kiss her head until he remembered that her hair still had some blood in it. “How do we keep going, Raven?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, “Let’s just focus on the task at hand. We’ll figure the rest out tomorrow.”


	3. Forfend

**“ It’s not whether you get knocked down, it’s whether you get up. ”**

\-- Vince Lombardi

* * *

Dick felt the coarse foundation of the barely-permanent structure against his knees. It didn’t matter how roughly they pushed him around or how much the zip-ties hurt his hands. His eyes refused to leave Raven or the man holding her back.

She wasn’t sobbing, yelling, or showing any outward expression of emotion. She seemed completely shut down as they held her against her will in a chokehold. To people who didn’t know her as well as he did, she would seem completely accepting of the situation. 

“Nothing else to say, boy?”

He answered, eyes still on her, “What’s the point? You’re going to kill us anyways.” 

A clammy hand forced his gaze away from her so they were eye-to-eye.

“Do you understand the significance of what you could have become, Richard? The significance of what you’ve betrayed?” [1]

“I don’t regret anything. I’m sorry to disappoint you, _great grandpa._ ”

Dick felt his nose break against the older man’s knuckles. He lands on his side with his cheek on the ground. 

Looking up at Cobb, Dick wondered about the what-could’ve-beens. This man-- the man with long dark locks, emotionless eyes, and black veins sprouting all over his face-- was supposed to represent his supposed legacy.

His eyes caught Raven, who was still standing strong with a glint of worry in her face.

She was the protective vest that helped him dodge the bullet laced with poison that were the Talons.

“Your denial of your family is an insult,” the old man spat.

Dick actually felt rage percolate inside, “You are not my family. John and Mary Grayson were, and always will be, my family. Bruce, Alfred, my brothers and sisters are the reason I still have a family. Raven will be my family. You, _William Cobb_? You’re just someone I share DNA with. You will _never_ be my family.”

Cobb pulled the younger man up by his neck before slamming his head against the pavement twice. When he spat out blood and a part of his tooth, Raven’s detached demeanor changed to reflect her concern.

Cobb brushed the dirt and dust from his pants, almost returning to a state of calm. “I refuse to idly stand by while you tarnish my good name,” he gestured to one of his lackeys.

“I will never work for the Court again, Cobb!”

The older man held a syringe filled with a gold liquid, “I wasn’t asking,” he tapped the base so excess liquid and air bubbles expelled from the tip.

Dick was forced back onto his knees, blood dripping from his face, as his great grandfather walked towards him with the mysterious solution. Behind him, someone dragged a large empty cooler to the center of the room.

“Bring the girl.”

Raven struggled against her captor but was ultimately pushed towards the man while Dick was fighting to stop them.

“Don’t you _fucking_ touch her!”

Cobb slyly grinned, “You chose your family. I shall do the same.” He scanned Raven like he was trying to buy a new car. “The daughter of Trigon will be an exemplary replacement.” 

The person holding Raven back released the chokehold just to push her head and neck closer.

“Cobb, stop! _Please_.”

Eyebrows were raised at Dick’s pleading. He was on his knees with tears and fear in his eyes. “I will do anything you want. Just...just let her go,” he said with the smallest voice.

“Your willingness to do anything to protect this girl,” Cobb said, “is why you are no longer any use to me.” He inched closer to Raven with the syringe. 

“gerr d hrrrd arrherghh”

Cobb chuckled and leaned in towards her, “What was that?”

She opened her mouth to show him the razor blade between her teeth, before cutting his arm. She spit the razor-- as well as some blood, “Go to hell, asshole.”

Raven took a step behind her burly captor, angling her hips behind theirs. She elbowed her captor’s stomach, forcing them off balance. This caused them to struggle backwards over her knee. After a kick to the face, she ran at the person holding Dick back and punched them.

They did not take long to regain their composure. She received one punch in her right breast but grabbed her opponent’s hand before they could hit again. With a flat hand, she pushed the hand down and punched them in the throat. She curled the fist inwards and easily pushed them to the ground. She found a knife in their pockets, kicking the weapon towards where Dick was sitting.

She did a small tumbling roll before she was back on her feet, another person running her way. Without hesitating, Raven raised her knee and leaned backwards, stomping her foot against their diaphragm. She watched him fly back into another person. 

Unfortunately, doing so did not prepare her for another person pushing her against the wall. 

When their right hand started clenching, the immediate reflex was to claw at the hands. Instead, Raven pushed them hand off her neck as their face met her elbow. Her right-leg pivot forced them towards the wall. This allowed her to wrap her other arm around the neck and snap. She heard the break before she actually felt the body limply lean on her. With one less person to fight, she could actually see what her fiance was up against. 

There were three unconscious bodies littered by Dick’s feet. He kicked his attacker above the kidneys, placed both feet on the ground, and proceeded to jab them in the nose. They fell over with a quick shove. 

He turned around before they could attack with their weapons. He gripped their thumb with one hand and turned their wrist with the other, causing it to fall. Quick as ever, he caught the knife. He didn’t hesitate when he drew a line across their jugular with their own blade. 

Raven ran to his side. She panted, “I saw Cobb go upstairs. You need to go after him.”

“He’s not important! We--”

_Boom. Boom._

Through the holes in the wall, they could both see more of Cobb’s soldiers coming towards them. The only thing stopping their attack was the door. That wouldn’t last long.

“Go after Cobb, Dick.”

_Boom. Boom._

“I am not leaving you,” he argued when she pushed a knife into his chest.

_Boom. Boom._

“Do not let that bastard get away.”

“But, I--”

“Whatever happens, this ends tonight,” she showed him the assortment of weapons she had been collecting from her assailants, “So, go.” 

Dick wanted to argue once again, but it was becoming apparent that she would not argue anymore. “If you get one scratch--”

“You’ll just have to nurse me back to health,” Raven smirked as she spun her own blade in her hand.

“I love you,” he said before going after the man who started this all.

That man was calmly waiting on the roof, as if he was expecting Dick’s presence. Cobb was almost smiling. “Fighting me won’t stop the court, nor will it change what you are.”

“You might be right,” Dick spun the knife between his fingers, “But I’ll probably feel better after I rip your throat out.” He charged immediately. 

Cobb caught his wrist before the blade could penetrate. He swiftly twisted the younger man’s arm and pressed the dagger into his shoulder. Cobb tightened his grip and pushed both of their hands towards Dick’s body, embedding the weapon even deeper.

Instead of crying out in pain like he wanted to, Dick bit into Cobb’s arm, hard enough to get the other man to finally let go. He took a step back and, in a move he knew Raven would berate him for, pulled the knife out of his shoulder.

This time, Dick waited for him.

Cobb charged at Dick, who was able to block the motion with his own arm. When he charged for the second time, Dick crouched and jabbed with his blade. Unfortunately, the cut appeared to have no effect. Instead of standing back up, Dick sidestepped the other man, rolling back onto his feet.

The older man shook his head. “It's not simply that you were chosen by the Court,” Cobb said, “It's that you were bred for it.”[1]. He caught Dick’s hand before he could impale him.

“You can shut up now,” Dick twisted his own wrist outward, slicing the knife against his fingers.

This time, they both went for the attack. They both made a downward motion, but their forearms collided. In a mirrored motion, they repeated the motion upwards. The second collision became a battle of strength, who could push the other using just their arm.

“Not bad,” Cobb spat, “But I think you can do better.”

Cobb retreated a step, his arm released from the hold. However, he was still close enough to slice at Dick’s already injured shoulder.

“Careful what you wish for.” Dick punched Cobb twice before elbowing his wrist. Once Cobb let go, the blade was tossed over the roof. 

Not having the weapon didn’t seem to falter Cobb’s resolve.

He caught Dick’s leg before he could kick his stomach. While holding it, he stepped closer and kicked the back of Dick’s shin. He was on his back when Cobb locked his leg with his own, rolling onto the ground until he heard a break. While screaming through the pain, Dick stabbed him in the back. Cobb was unable to reach the puncturing weapon. 

The two slowly rolled away from each other, trying to be the first one on their feet.

“I expected more of a fight from you,” Cobb spat blood on the ground. He kicked Dick in the stomach before he could get up. Since he did have a weapon in his back, the kick was not as powerful but still strong enough to make the other man roll on the ground. “I hope your girl is much more skilled than you are.”

“Don’t…you…dare…” he said in between coughs.

Cobb laughed, “She will be the most feared Talon to ever exist,” as he stepped on Dick’s shoulder.

“She’s going to kill you.”

“She may try, but there--”

_Bang!_

Dick actually had to blink to avoid Cobb’s blood getting into his eyes. So, he only saw the bleeding hole in Cobb’s chest instead of the actual shot. He pushed Cobb’s foot off his shoulder, forcing the older man onto the ground.

Raven kept her gun aimed at Cobb as she ran to Dick’s side. Even though she could see the bone sticking out of his ankle, she still asked, “Are you okay?”

“Never better,” Dick groaned when she helped him up. The two looked down at Cobb, who was bleeding on the ground from his mouth as well as his wounds.

Cobb sputtered, “You… two… will… regret… this.”

“You might be right,” she grimaced, “But, right now, I’m feeling pretty good,” she shot him in the forehead.

Dick finally got a good look at her: her face was covered in blood, her shirt was ripped, and she had multiple cuts up and down both arms. “You good?” He kissed the top of her head.

“Most of the blood isn’t mine,” Raven said. 

It was kind of unclear if she was just saying that to make him feel better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 These quotes are actual dialogue from the Nightwing comics (Volume 3 Issue 9, I believe).


	4. Comity

**“ All great changes are preceded by chaos. ”**

\-- Deepak Chopra

* * *

“Raven!” 

“Yes?” 

“Where’s Dick?” 

Raven looked to the aforementioned man, who was reluctantly halting the important task of kissing her neck. “How should I know?” 

“Wasn’t he with you? He usually is.”

“He’s probably busy at the moment!” She had to cover Dick’s mouth when he grunted. 

Roy must’ve still heard them. “Son of a-- are you two--” 

“What do you want, Roy?!” Dick asked with obvious annoyance. He started stuffing his shirt back into his trousers now that the mood was pretty much ruined. 

“Get back out there before I move the whole party over here! I shouldn’t be the only one scarred with the image of you--” 

She hollered, “We’ll be there in a minute!” 

Roy stomped out of the room. They heard him muttering something about a lobotomy before he finally closed the door. 

Dick’s nose scrunched up as he grumpily redressed, “I hope Roy knows I don’t like him anymore.” 

“Roy is hardly at fault for us being the rude couple that sneaks away to go have sex,” she defended, while simultaneously detangling her hair. 

“Well, I blame him for _interrupting_. He’s as much to blame as you are.” 

“Me? How am I to blame?” 

“You could’ve kept your hands to yourself, but--” 

“ _I_ could’ve kept my hands to myself? You barged into the bathroom while I was washing my hands!”

Dick gave her a raunchy grin, “I haven’t had you to myself all day. Excuse me for wanting to do this,” he kissed her nose, “this,” he kissed her cheek, “and this,” then he kissed her lips. One of his favorite things to do while kissing her was to inhale the light scent of lilacs from her shampoo. 

She pulled away, “If you keep doing that, we’re going to get caught again.” She started leading him out, “How will you explain our absence then?”

Almost immediately as soon as they sat, Karen scolded them, “You two can’t be running off in the middle of a party like that.” 

Dick put his hands up innocently. “We weren’t doing anything!” From his peripherals, he could see Roy downing his drink. 

Karen was almost insulted by the lack of creativity in Dick's answer. However, she knew she would not get the truth outright from the two most secretive people she ever knew, no matter how embarrassed either of them would be. She surrendered her skepticism and said, "Please do not do whatever it was you were doing again. At least wait until we all go home,” before returning to her table. 

“See? Only two other people noticed,” Dick said when Raven glared at him. 

“Trust me, more than two people noticed,” Victor passed them both glasses of wine, “We’d just prefer to pretend not to know. But, you two get only one pass after the month you’ve had,” he said with a cautious expression. 

“That’s the past,” Raven said. “I like where we are now anyways.” 

“It’s nobody’s business but yours,” Victor smiled genuinely, “We’re all glad things are good between you two.” 

“If only he knew,” Dick muttered once the other man left. 

Only she seemed to hear. “What I just said, _Robin_ , wasn’t just for Victor’s benefit.” 

He shrugged, “The past always seems to have a way of intruding on the present.” 

“Hey,” Raven met his eyes, “We said we weren’t going to dwell, right?”

“When I think about how close I came to losing you…” 

“Then, don’t. I’m right here,” she reassured him, “and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. 

“I’m going to need you to keep reminding me,” he kissed her. 

_Cling, cling, cling!_

“If you wouldn’t mind, please give a moment to the couple,” Zatanna said with a raised glass, “who has some very nice words to say.”

Everyone cheered along, some louder than others thanks to the supply of alcohol. Dick pulled Raven a little closer.

“Kaldur and Wynnde, we are so excited for your wedding. Congratulations!” 

Kaldur lovingly looked at his partner, bringing the man’s hands to his lips. He hugged Zatanna after she gave him the microphone. "I just wanted to say, thank you all for coming to our engagement party," he raised his glass, "This is something we both have been looking forward to. We are fortunate to share our love with you all, our friends and family. I couldn't be more excited to be marrying this man, the love of my life."

Wynnde happily embraced his betrothed with a hug and kiss. Even Garfield’s obnoxious whistling didn’t deter the mood of the moment. 

“They look so happy,” Raven said absentmindedly. It was unclear if she was even aware that she spoke out loud. 

"I hope you're just as happy at our wedding."

She squeezed his hand, “Thank you for being patient. I know this was supposed to be us--” 

“We weren’t going to dwell,” he repeated her earlier words, “We have a path to a future together that waits for us.” 

“What a lovely sentiment.” 

Dick’s heart almost stopped completely at the kind words dripping from that nocuous voice. 

This was a man Dick had only seen in paintings, in pictures, and in nightmares. He had umber hair that did not complement his lackluster skin. There were obvious patches of powder on his face, a poor attempt at concealing the caliginous scars on his face. The intentionally hidden facial distinction was not enough to ensconce his identity. Some speckles of the powder haphazardly rest against this black and gold suit. What continued to catch his eye was the brooch of a silver owl face pinned to his pocket. 

The man held up his wine glass, “I believe Edward Gorey wrote, ‘Some tiny creature, mad with wrath, is coming nearer on the path’.” He sipped his wine, that villainous smile was enough to stop anyone’s heart in fear. “I am not sure why that quote seems to resonate with me now.” 

“You have no business being here,” Dick said, not bothering with pleasantries. He was discreetly trying to stand in front of Raven as well as trying not to grab the attention of anyone else at the table. “You need to leave, Cobb.” 

William Cobb tsked at him. “I would’ve hoped your mother had taught you proper manners in the short time she was alive.” 

“Dick, who is this?” Raven asked. 

He only needed to look at her face once to know she was feigning the naivete. It probably seemed ridiculous that he could read so much into her expression. But, they knew each other all too well. 

“This is my great grandfather,” he tried to calm himself down. “Have I mentioned that he was still alive?” 

“I believe this is the first I’m hearing _anything_ about him,” she fibbed. “I’m--” 

“Oh, I know exactly who you are, _Raven_ ,” Cobb said without taking his eyes off Dick. 

They both knew there was no time to analyze his words. 

“Why don’t I get you both some drinks, okay?” Raven continued acting like the obedient partner, “I’m sure you both want some time to catch up.” She squeezed his hand before walking away. 

When she didn’t turn around, Cobb made a gesture, directing three of his henchpeople towards the same door she left through.

Dick would have to stall until he could create a conceivable way of dismissing himself from the party without alerting either the happy couple or their other friends. He paused to survey his surroundings. Based on the number of people dressed like Cobb, there were at least seven uninvited guests.

“Any attempts either of you make to escape would be asinine.”

“Last time I checked,” Dick said with a neutral tone, “the Court didn’t like drawing too much attention to themselves.” 

Cobb chuckled, “I have no qualms about killing all of these people, _boy_.” 

Dick felt two people walk behind him before he saw them. Apparently, they had no concerns about staging a public kidnapping either. 

_RIINNNGGGG!_

The noisome bell did not initially motivate people to leave, but the spurt of the ceiling sprinklers seemed to do the trick. 

Other couples were protecting each other with coats while trying to find the exits. Drunks were trying to carry as many drinks as they could as they escaped. Children were crying when their soaked socks caused discomfort.

In the haste, nobody seemed to notice Dick, Cobb, and a few others remaining.

“Was this supposed to be some big distraction?” Cobb asked as he held his hand up to the indoor rainstorm.

Dick held back the cynical look he wanted to make. It’s not like they were causing indoor flooding to impress the man.

As soon as he felt a gun nuzzle against his spine, Dick turned towards the rear attacker. This caused the gun to rest on the outside of his right tricep. He locked the gun-wielding arm with his right elbow and scooped his left arm to remove the weapon. As soon as he had the handgun, he released the magazine and littered the floor with the unused bullets. He threw the separate pieces out of reach. 

Someone else began to advance. Dick was prepared to counter. However, he lost his balance against the wet floor. They pushed themselves out of his line of sight. This attacker hit his back with one hand and hit his jaw upwards with the other, using this advantage to tackle him to the floor. Before he could push back, Dick felt the other person holding his wrists above his head. Immobilized, an unknown hand placed a white rag over his mouth. If he screamed, they pushed the cloth harder against him.

He saw someone trying to balance an unconscious Raven over his shoulder and a bloody cloth on his ribcage. It would not take long for the blob of his fiancee to morph into pure blackness.


	5. Absolve

**“ The act of forgiveness takes place in our own mind. It really has nothing to do with the other person. ”**

\-- Louise Hay

* * *

_“What do you think?”_

_Dick looked between his father and the empty field he was gesturing to. “What do I think of what?”_

_“This is going to be our new home, Richard.”_

_They were outside the city, practically the definition of “middle of nowhere”. They passed a gated mansion before taking an off-road detour. He was afraid his father was lost once they stopped at a giant willow in the road. The only indication that any humans touched the land was a rotting bridge built on top of a man-made river._

_“We’re going to live in the grass?”_

_As a member of the circus, he had his fair share of weird living accommodations. He was just getting used to cramming into cars with Waldo Flynn and the others (which was saying something since clowns tended to freak him out). Living in devoid farmlands might be pushing his comfort zone._

_“I’m thinking at least two floors,” John Grayson wandered around the new old estate, “I want to have an office, too—I’ve never had an office before. Maybe we’ll have an attic. Unless you prefer a basement. Would you like a basement, Richard? I guess we can figure all that out later,” he smiled down at the boy, “We’ll finally have our own home.”_

_“We’re leaving the circus?”_

_“Yes, we are.”_

_“What if they won’t let us leave? What if we don’t like it? What if—”_

_“Believe me, Richard, I’ve gone through my fair share of ‘what-ifs’ too,” John chuckled, “And they’re all definite possibilities, son. But it’ll be okay because we’re going to do everything as a family. That's all we really need.”_

_Dick embraced his father. While he was indisputably anxious, he had faith in his father’s words._

_“I can’t wait to surprise your mother tomorrow,” John squeezed his son closer, “But, let’s just focus on tonight. It will, after all, be the last performance of_ The Flying Graysons _.”_

* * *

The land his father bought was transferred to his name when he came of age. Dick did not spare any expense fighting the developers who tried to acquire the land, or the adjacent lots, for their potential mini-malls.

Dick believed John Grayson would’ve loved the Victorian-style house he built. He did his best to follow his father’s checklist.

A redwood swing-set hovered on top of the front porch floor. On the opposite side was a lovely bay window, a view perfect for the ground floor office. Although it was hard to tell from the outside, there was an attic and a basement. Additionally, repairing that old bridge in the back cost more than he originally thought.

He liked to imagine that his mother would’ve been happy with the house too.

In the living room, Dick waited for the overwhelming smell of propane from the fireplace before he carefully threw a bloody shirt on top of the marigold flares. He waited for the fabric to corrode before adding another garment.

When he no longer heard the upstairs shower running, he retreated to the liquor cabinet. He poured two glasses of scotch, somewhat tempted to gulp both drinks.

Raven found him sitting on the blackberry loveseat when she joined him in the living room. Without words, she took the other glass from him and sat in the adjacent armchair.

This home was supposed to be their oasis. But every minute spent in this silence was feeling more and more like hell on earth.

In a rare moment, she was the first to speak: “Who were they?”

“Does it matter?”

“They must’ve been pretty important. You skipped your family dinner.”

“They didn’t miss me.”

“I guess I received calls from Tim, Bruce, and _Jason_ because they didn’t miss you then, huh?”

“They called you?”

“They thought I would know where you ran off to.”

“How did you know where to find me?”

She took a sip first. “I tracked your cell phone.”

He almost laughed, “I forgot I’m not the only one with a secret past.”

“Actually, ‘Find my iPhone’ was pretty helpful, which is _very_ sloppy of you. It was almost as if you wanted someone to catch you.”

He shrugged casually. “Maybe that was my plan.”

“Well someone did: _me_.”

“What is the fucking point of all this?”

Raven was startled by Dick’s sudden swearing.

“If you were doing this because I left--”

He chortled, “Maybe, for once in the time we’ve known each other, this had nothing to do with you, Raven.”

“What am I supposed to expect? You, of all people, do not kill people for no damn reason _._ ”

“Maybe I’ve just been denying who I am!” Dick immediately lurched to his feet, “I am a killer after all. Is that _reason_ enough for you?”

She calmly placed her drink down. “So, that’s what tonight was about? Evening your numbers and proving a point?”

He exasperatedly threw his hands up, “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to tell me why I am partaking in this pity-party.”

He laughed again, “If you had actually married me, this would be a normal occurrence. I guess it’s a good thing you backed out.”

“I haven’t backed out, Richard. I still want to marry you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“You _do not_ tell me what I do or don’t want,” she stood up this time, “no matter how well you know me.”

He chugged his drink, “You expect me to believe you still want to get married after I just killed five people tonight.”

“Don’t give yourself so much credit. I have a claim to two of them.”

“ _Bullshit_. No one is so altruistic that they are willing to accept someone like me as a life partner.”

“I’m almost insulted by the lack of faith,” she scowled.

He looked like he was ready to throw his drink at the wall. “Then, why is it that the minute you found out about me and my past you ran?”

“Because I was scared!”

That, in itself, was also rare.

It was one thing for Raven to look remotely scared. It was another ordeal for her to admit it.

“Yeah? Well, assassins can be pretty scary. I kn--”

“For fuck’s sake, shut up. I wasn’t scared of _you_ , Richard. I was scared of losing you,” she paused a moment to calm herself. “Or, I was scared of losing who I thought you were— who I thought _we_ were. What I thought our life was. I know it’s a pathetic excuse, but I didn’t run away from you because I stopped loving you, Robin.”

"You can't be serious. Do you even hear yourself?”

“Look, I could do all the research in the world for the rest of my life and it still wouldn’t explain how either of us feels, even when you consider all we know about each other. It won't make sense to other people, but it doesn't have to. It just has to make sense to _us_.”

She inched closer to him. But, for the first time, he took a small step back.

“Robin, I love you, and that’s all there is to it,” she confessed in one breath. “Finding out about what you've done, including tonight, may have challenged how I feel but it didn't change it.”

“How? How is that even possible?”

“Because it’s you, Robin.” She gulped, trying to fight her trained-instinct to recant. "For me, the bad does not outweigh the good. Neither of us could be called a saint, we can agree on that. And yes, our bad is really bad, but--”

“I am a Talon, Raven! I was practically designed to kill.” He didn’t realize he was clenching his fists until he felt liquid pooling under his nails.

“You are not the only person in this room who killed someone.”

“Stop making excuses for me!”

“I’m not, Robin. I’m just trying to make you see reason.”

He finally walked closer to her, “There is no reason behind this.” He gripped her arms, “I have so much blood on my hands, Raven. I can barely breathe sometimes.”

“That guilt you feel will swallow you whole if you let it, and you’re not going to learn how to deal with it overnight.”

“I am doing everything I can to make up for what I’ve done before, but every time I think I balanced the scales, I just fuck up.”

“You think you’re the only person in the world who’s fucked up in one way or another? You don’t think I fuck up?” she put her hands on his cheeks without hesitating, wiping at shed tears. “I can’t tell you how to deal with your mistakes, but, speaking from experience, beating yourself up does not do anybody any favors.”

“How can you even be in love with me?” He made a half-hearted attempt to remove her hands. “I am a killer, desperately trying to change and make up for what I’ve done.”

“How could you love me?”

“What does that have to do with--”

“How you described yourself also describes me _._ Are you saying you don’t love me?”

“Of course n--”

“Then, if you can love me—if you can _forgive_ me, why can’t you forgive yourself?”

“I don’t know if I can.”

“Then you’ll just have to learn to,” she pulled his face closer so their foreheads touched, “We are the same, Robin.”

Her eyes closed when she felt one of his tears on her skin. He held her as close as he could.

“Am I good _enough_ , Robin?”

“Of course you are, Raven,” he murmured into her skin, “Apparently, you’re perfect for me.”

“You need to stop saying that.” She pecked his lips. “I’m not perfect at all. And, let’s be honest, you’re not either.”

“I love you, Raven.”

“I love you, Robin.”

“Do we even deserve to be happy?”

“Maybe we do, maybe we don’t. I guess we’ll just have to enjoy the time we have together.”


End file.
